Humans reproduce sexually. We, like all other sexual creatures, are subject to instinctive sexual desire. Sex is one of our four basic primitive urges among food, shelter, and self-preservation.
At its core, sex is animalistic. However, due to certain mores and rules of our culture or society, we have come to associate it with shame and to assign moral value to it.
As a society, we have designed elaborate rules and beliefs around it, making it far more complex than it is. Our culture defines what is polite or impolite, rude or proper, acceptable or not acceptable, graceful or awkward, revolting or pleasing.
Can sex just be sex?
Can we just have sex because it feels good? Because it’s fun and playful?
Because it’s a release of tension?
Because we just crave intensely intimate connection with our partner, or because we love someone so boundlessly that words do not suffice so we must show them… with our body?
Sex can trigger some of our deepest vulnerabilities. We are completely exposed if not just physically, sometimes emotionally as well.
Letting down our walls and allowing someone to truly see us in all our authentic humanness can feel extremely scary.
There are many things that can and most likely will happen during sex that are completely normal, just part of the sloppy, smelly, sticky, wet human sexual experience. Most of them are just a natural part of the act yet can feel so embarrassing when they happen to us.
They don’t seem to bother other animals, so why should we let it get in the way of us having fun, feeling good, connecting?
If you find something causing you to feel embarrassed or ashamed, it’s important to acknowledge what happened, communicate with your partner, and most likely just laugh it off. Remember, these things happen to everyone at some point.
1) The infamous “queef,” happens when air enters the woman’s genitals before being rapidly expelled. The genitals swell and expand when a woman becomes aroused during intercourse, and excess air may enter it.
When the object or manhood suddenly thrust inside, that air naturally bursts out, which sounds like a fart, a fart from the genitals.
It can feel embarrassing, but in reality, it’s just what our bodies do. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s proof that you are human just like everyone else.
2) You are not getting wet. This can make sex not only uncomfortable but even painful. Fortunately, it’s easily solvable with the use of some lubricant, which can also be fun. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
This happens to women from time to time. It’s often related to low estrogen levels. Estrogen is responsible for keeping us lubricated. It can also be a side effect of certain medications, substances, or even antihistamines.
It could just be that we are nervous, stuck up in our heads instead of the present in our bodies, or we might just not be that aroused. It takes a woman’s genitals on average about fifteen to twenty minutes to become fully aroused.
3) You leave puddles in the sheets. This is usually not a bad thing. It’s most likely a sign that you had some great sex.
Women range in how went they get during sex, from a little wet to completely squirting liquid in across the bed as they orgasm. Some call this female ejaculation. Some women call you lucky! Many women do not orgasm at all, which is also completely normal.
4) You see blood. Again, we ALL bleed. It happens. Sometimes if someone has not trimmed their fingernails, inserting his or her finger into a woman’s genitals quickly and repeatedly can cause a small cut or cuts inside on the woman’s genitals walls, which can cause bleeding.
You may have started your period or incorrectly assumed your flow was over. Again, these things happen. We often do not get any warning signs. It is part of the female body, the miraculous female body that bears and produces life.
If your partner is mature, they will not make a big deal about it and will assure you that it doesn’t bother them at all. After it’s been cleaned up, it’s forgotten.
If your partner is grossed out, you might want to consider if this is the right partner for you or just inform them of all the benefits of having sex on your period.
5) He’s having difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. This can feel really rejecting, causing some women to fall into a shame spiral, thinking that it is because they are not pretty, skinny, sexy enough.
Most likely it isn’t you at all. Instead, your partner is probably feeling completely preoccupied with his dilemma and feelings of inadequacy, shame, panic, frustration. Just know that this is not that uncommon.
It can happen for a wide variety of reasons, such as imbibing too much alcohol or using other substances or medications, anxiety, having masturbated excessively or even earlier that day, etc.
It’s not abnormal for this to happen from time to time, yet if it becomes a consistent issue, you might want to suggest seeking professional help.
6) You can’t orgasm. Relax! Many women do not orgasm at all, some only from time to time, some can only cum vaginally, and some only experience clitoral orgasms.
It’s important to communicate to your partner what you like and what feels good, but you might also want to explain that it’s ok if you don’t climax every time and that can sometimes feel like a lot of pressure. It behooves you to just be honest.
If you fake orgasms in order to please your partner, then he or she will never learn how to truly pleasure your body.
7) You fall. Sex can not only be quite aerobic, but it can also get acrobatic. There are myriads of opportunities for accidents. You could fall off the bed; your legs could give out in certain positions especially if they have been getting tired, you could bump your head, knock things over, etc.
Remember sex is meant to be fun. Play, tumble, bang things around, most importantly, laugh. It’s not a big deal if you don’t make it a big deal.
2 .Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York: Harper. https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
3. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. New York, US: Baker &; Taylor. https://www.amazon.in/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090