In almost a decade of working with couples, one of the most common things that I hear about is that the sex is just not important anymore and that instead, partners have focused on “connection” instead of sex.
When I listen a little bit more I hear different yet similar stories from each partner and they go something like this:
“I don’t know why he puts so much priority on us having sex. We have plenty of sex. He thinks he does not last long enough and all I wish is that it would get over with quicker.
Why does he want me to orgasm so badly? I have never been too attached to orgasm. I don’t really need it. Often, I fake it to get through the sex faster. We have a great emotional connection why can’t that be enough?”
“I wish we had more sex. It was not always like this. She use to be more fun, enjoy it and even want it. Intimacy is important to me.
I need to see her orgasm and enjoying herself. But I guess I need to just settle for the companionship and emotional connection. I mean we are best friends.”
Both partners normally say that they are “emotionally connected” and that they feel that this is strong. They feel like they are great friends and that they love each other, it’s just that either one or both are no longer needing the sex.
The issue with this belief that they no longer need “the sex” is that they are separating sex and connection when in reality sex is all about connection. Good sex, great sex – and of course gourmet sex is all about connection.
Sex without connection is nothing more than masturbation with a partner. In a couplehood, you certainly don’t want this. And even in single and dating life, this is no fun as well as it is not healthy for you as a human being. Male or female.
So, What Is A Connection?
Connection means that you are present and in the moment with your partner and yourself. It means that you are there doing what you want to be doing because you want to be doing it and you are enjoying yourself and your partner.
The more connected you feel the more intense and intimate you can be in your sexing. Connection is awareness.
What Connection Is Not?
Connection is not the “pump, pump, oooh, goo” experience where you are just in the sex for a quick release. Connection is not convincing, guilting or getting your partner to lighten up with a few drinks to have such experience.
Connection is not about bragging rights on how many “O’s” you believe you got her to have or focused on how many notches in the headboard you have. Connection is not about acting out fantasies.
Matter a fact, on this note, the acting out of fantasies often keeps us in our minds and out of our bodies.
Fantasies as fun and as healthy as they can be, when approached from a place of limited or no emotional connection to your partner or just the idea of how exciting it will be can cause great damage to us and our partners emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically.
But that is another topic altogether.
Here are 5 reasons you want to focus on the connection in sex if you are a man.
1. The Male Ego Is Often Linked To Sex
If a man is having sex, it is good for his confidence in life. Men think about sex often and want it. This is normal and healthy. A man who is having sex, and more often is happier, healthier and confident in life.
He approached problems from a better state of being. Now a man who is having connected sex has, even more, confidence and passion for life. He has certainty that his partner is fulfilled and a deeper confidence that his partner is loyal to him.
Connected sex also means connected living in all areas of life. A man that is connected to his sex is also open and connected to his friends, his work, his health and his emotions.
He understands the flow of life and he is willing to embrace life and let it move through him instead of fighting and trying to control life.
2. Connection Helps You Last Longer
So often in my sex coaching, I am sharing with men how to last longer and to their surprise, my advice is to be more present with their partner.
I tell them to not run from the sensation but instead lean into it. Feel their whole penis not just that ‘sweet spot’ that gets them the quick release.
I tell them to really feel their partner’s body, breath and connect to the moment, the sensation. I also, share that they need to just relax.
Connection helps us to relax naturally but putting focus on relation helps us connect more. It works both ways and the result is that you last longer with practice.
3. Deeper Connection Increases The Odds Of Her Orgasm
So many men believe that their partners either orgasm frequently with them or that their partners are just non-orgasmic with vaginal penetration.
In reality, the majority of women fake orgasm frequently and a woman who is ‘non-orgasmic’ is only so because of disconnect from self, trauma, shame and experiencing non-connective partners in her life.
Your connection to her during sex may not heal the other issues for her lack of orgasm, but odds increase in her having a real orgasm with it as well as the therapeutic fact that connection is a primary human need and healing emotionally and psychologically.
Which means that the other issues can be reduced as well through your ability to connect during sex.
Women, who fake orgasm are faking because they don’t feel connected to their partner, their sex, themselves and most likely are suffering from many of the same things listed above.
4. The Deeper The Connection, The Less Stress In Your Life
Emotional connection to people, in general, is linked to health and overall well-being. It reduces stress, boosts the immune system, lowers rates of anxiety and depression and increases life span.
Connection at this level (social and emotional) generates a positive feedback circuit for us to maintain a healthy life.
Take this to one of the most vulnerable states of humanness, our sex and you receive all of this plus the release of norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide (NO), and the hormone prolactin.
Simply put this cocktail creates relaxation, positive hormone balance and bonding. All of which are linked to health and the ability to cope better with stress.
5. Connection Breeds Intimacy
If sexual pressure is something that you deal with, whether you are the one pushing for more sex or vice versa then you most likely are also lacking intimacy in your relationship.
In these situations, it is best to come to an agreement to abstain from sex for a few weeks and instead focus on practices of non-sexual physical connection blended with emotional connection.
Hold each other with no clothes on, touch each other and experience your partner without the need for sexual union or orgasm/climax. Just touch for the sake of touch and connection.
Inquire how your partner likes to be touched and share how you want to be touched. Spend time together laughing.
Look for opportunities to make your partner laugh. You will be surprised how this sort of non-sexual connecting affects your sexual connection and sensitivity to self and to her.
In conclusion, the importance of connection during sex is a gateway to better health, overall well-being, deeper sex that penetrates your partner on all levels
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