So you’ve found yourself interested in getting kinky! Millions of people all over the world discover they have fetishes that make their bedroom desires not exactly vanilla. However, you’re at a loss as to how to go about making these newly discovered fantasies a reality.
Maybe you overheard a friend talk about something kinky and new they did with their partner and you want to try it with yours. Or you’re single and want to find a likeminded individual to experiment with. Either way, it’s important to do things safely and healthily and I’m here to help you do that.
#1) Whatever Your Fancy Is – Do Your Homework First Until You’re Fully Confident And Comfortable
Sorry, everyone, but the 50 Shades books and movies are not accurate, safe depictions of D/s and BDSM kink play. In fact many people who dedicate their careers to educating people on the subject have lambasted this pop culture phenomenon .
While it has helped to somewhat normalize kinky bedroom interests, the behaviors displayed by the main characters in the series are far from healthy.
Many might even consider the way Christian Grey treats the object of his desires outside the bedroom to be borderline abusive.
One thing everyone in the world of kink who have spent years educating and partaking agree on – a kink/fetish is not an excuse to be abusive or a reason to accept abuse and mistreatment. They’re not one in the same.
This is why aftercare is so important and stressed to be a regular part of bedroom routines for anyone wanting to get kinky as put out there by experts. So if things do get heated and tense during play it doesn’t adversely affect the entire relationship.
So something got you interested in kink play but you know you need to learn more before you introduce the idea to a partner. There are great resources out there to learn more about what you’re into as well as meet like-minded people in a safe way. I highly recommend joining the site.
It’s an 18+ social network that is all about the world of fetishes. You can find articles about nearly any fetish and groups to talk about it with people who share your interest.
It also provides educational resources including information about officially sanctioned demonstration events and gatherings in your area.
Like with any social media network, proceed with caution and don’t disclose personal information with anyone you’re not comfortable with. They have an excellent block feature as well as a way to report harassment and abusive users.
While it’s not perfect, it’s an excellent gateway into learning about this new thing that turns you on and perhaps even introduce you to a potential partner who is interested if you’re not currently in a relationship. (And if you are show you resources as to how to go about introducing your new interest to your partner.)
While there is a lot of Fetish/Kink adult videos out there, how they are filmed are usually carefully staged and scripted and not always accurate in how they depict it will go about in real life.
If your new sexual interest involves tools or toys make sure you get them from reputable places with good reviews from real people that have been properly tested for safety. (And always read through and pay attention to provided instructions and tutorials as well as taking proper care of the toy or tool including keeping them clean and hygienic.)
#2) If You’re Not Currently In A Relationship, How To Go About Meeting A Like-Minded Partner
The average person investigating fetishes/kinks is not in a committed monogamous relationship. Singles/Polyamorous relationships are very common. For single guys, discovering they’re really into something but not being sure how to bring it up to a potential partner is just as important to inform them as those in committed relationships wanting to spice up their sex life. Accidents involving fetish play and dangers happen because people think it’s just something new to try like lighting candles, playing new music, putting roses everywhere…. and it’s not. Fetishes/Kink play being introduced has also destroyed relationships because the individuals couldn’t compartmentalized their kink away from the rest of the relationship.
Whether you’re looking to get into a committed relationship or you just want a regular hookup you know shares your interest – you also know your kink isn’t exactly common and something you want in your headline on or Tinder.
Once again I recommend joining social media that caters specifically to those with niche interests. Along with Fetlife there is CollarSpace.com (a more My Space style 18+ social media that focuses on kink and fetish interests that also lets users upload their own blogs and other media to connect with people who share their niche interests). You can use these social media platforms to find in-person gatherings in your area.
Most major cities/towns have them. You can use private messaging systems to go back and forth with other users as long as you want before you feel comfortable disclosing another means of contact.
All safe gatherings would be announced as being held in a public place that is easy to find – any meeting/gathering that is open to beginners will be someplace public. You do not have to go anywhere you do not feel safe going.
If you find someone through this media you connect with, always meet them in person someplace public first – like a Starbucks – before deciding to meet somewhere more secluded.
Anyone serious about connecting over a particular interest would not be offended over a sex-free meeting or two first to make a more established in person connection before pursuing it privately in the bedroom.
As always, you do not have to get with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable, and if you are meeting someone for the first time there is no shame in bringing a trusted friend for peace of mind (and if the other person is serious and cares about you they will not be offended if you choose to do so – if they are, by all means take that a red flag that they may not be inclined to respect you or your wishes which may lead to an unsafe time in the bedroom).
Outside of small gatherings, there are large 18+ public conventions that cater to the community held all over the country (all over the world, even) and serve as another way to educate yourself about your sexual interest and to meet other likeminded individuals in a safe judgement-free setting is just one of many sitesthat lists them in a way that’s easy to find one that aligns with your particular niche!
#3) Open Honest Communication With A Partner Is The Most Important Part
Whether it’s a new partner, or someone you’ve been with long before you discovered this new aspect to your sexuality – communicating these desires is important.
If it’s a partner you’ve been with a long time, you may have to prepare yourself for the fact your partner may not be open to exploring this or interested, or at least not right away. If they are but want to take time, be with them while you research it together.
If your desires are in D/s and BDSM type territory along with establishing that you will do aftercare after doing those acts with each other (and establishing if it’s in the bedroom only or something you’re both mutually interested as being integral to the lifestyle of your relationship) is a safe word – and always listening to and obeying it.
Make sure the safe word is one you both agree on and not a word that typically comes up during sex. (A common one is “red” but plenty of people use names of foods or bands or other things for it.) And that if you or your partner have had enough – even if you’re in the middle of it – then enough is enough and time to move on.
Even if your new interest isn’t of that kind it’s important to assist your partner in researching it and establishing all measures of safety and boundaries.
And again, there is always a chance your longtime partner just isn’t interested – period, and it’s important to respect that if you are serious about your relationship with this partner and care about them.
Though usually, if you have been together long enough, your partner will likely be open to taking things slow and exploring this new sexual interest with you safely.
In the case of a new partner, even one you met because you share this interest, communication and establishing boundaries is important. Safe words still apply. Consent still applies. No always means no (and the safe word being uttered counts as a no).
You and your partner while engaging in this new act can at any time also decide to end it and move on to something else or be done with sexual activity for the time being – there’s no shame in that and the person who decided they had enough should be treated with respect.
Respecting bodily autonomy and boundaries is very important when introducing sexual things that aren’t considered “vanilla” into the bedroom.
Whether it’s a new partner or one you’ve been with forever, maintaining constant open communication at all times is crucial for it to work right and be safe and healthy.
In conclusion thanks to it popping up more in pop culture it’s becoming less and less taboo to want to spice up one’s sex life with interests that are less vanilla.
However, it is important when you discover what this new interest is that you properly research it well first before even considering bringing it up with a partner.
If you’re not currently in a relationship there are a lot of ways to meet likeminded people who share your interest you can explore it safely with after you’ve done your research.
And whether you’re introducing it to an established relationship or starting a new one based on this common shared interest, communication is key – establishing safety and boundaries and well as understanding your partner may need to take their time to warm up to the idea or may not always be in the mood to do it.
There’s lots of fun to be had with this kind of exploration so long as one takes their time and gets into it in a safe and healthy manner!
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