In almost a decade of working with men around sex and relationships I can say that there are some common issues that men face that create sexual dysfunctions, unhappy relationships and poor sexing.
None of these issues are skill related. I tell men all the time that they could learn all these fascinating, titillating skills and it still would not improve their sex life or relationship.
They can even focus in on timelines and try to slow down and do more foreplay with their partner, romance her more and share sweet poetry and the best wine money can buy but none of these things will reap the rewards that you are hoping for.
Much like any self-improvement, our sex requires us to turn inward and to deal with our personal garbage.
It requires us to learn to love ourselves enough, to accept ourselves enough and to be courageous enough to want something more than average and ordinary, mundane and just what we are comfortable with.
Our sex is often one of the last frontiers that we venture down to heal because of the shame that is wrapped around it for both sexes.
Sex and sexuality are scary. We are never truly taught about them from our parents, school or community other than the loud and clear message that sex is dangerous.
Outside of this message we get “girls who are sexual are whores and sluts,” and guys who are sexual, are well like the saying, “boy’s will be boys.”
Our parents have the conversation with us about the birds and the bee’s and when a mommy and daddy love each other they have a baby.
We then move into our pre-teens and sex is still misunderstood, mysterious and scary but we know that adults do it and we are having all these feelings.
Our friends tell us stories and somewhere along the line we see some porn of some sort; a video, a magazine or online in today’s world. It’s fascinating, brings up a lot of emotion and intrigue but we are still lost.
As we become young adults and enter our teen years where kissing, foreplay and sexual learning happen for most, we still have no clue what we are doing or how we should be doing it but we pull from visions of what we have seen in porn and try to recreate.
Not understand why things are not working out the way that we have seen or why the girl is not getting off the way the girl in the video’s did, but ultimately who cares because at this stage boys are still boy’s and most often sex is all about them and the quick “pump, pump, oooh goo” of the moment.
Girls try to capture the boy of their desires by using sex and boys are all about notches in the bedpost.
Our sex-ed teachers tell us about sperm, ovulation and conception as well as how dangerous sex is and its best to just not have it but if you do, use a condom.
Then we leave high school and are sent out into the world where we are under the belief that we should have all the understanding that we need and anything else, especially around sex will “just come naturally.”
The issue around this sort of belief and training is that sex and sexual knowledge will “just come naturally.” You will just know what to do and how to do it when it happens. What a crock of bull!
In truth, no matter how old we are, may that be 16 or 96 we all could use a little real life sex education untainted from shame and from the viewpoint of real sex not from behind the camera on set with a director making a play by play for the best angle of a shot.
We could also use the truth as to what we REALLY need to be learning about and focusing on to have the best sex and prevent or limit any sexual dysfunctions and intimacy issues. Wouldn’t you agree?
So as a man reading this, you may want to learn skills and concepts on what you can do to create the best sex in your life with your partner and that is all fine and dandy, however before you focus in on the acrobatics let’s get you the true skills which are actual behaviors that every superior lover needs to know about to be the stud in the bedroom that you desire.
Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Man
1. Emotional Presence
First you need to understand what emotional presence is. It is not the same as emotional connection which means that you are emotionally connected to something or someone.
Emotional presence is about being present in the moment with first your own emotions about something and second present and open to feeling, communicating and experiencing the emotions of your partner.
This can be difficult for many men as often emotions are not looking for a solution. They are just looking to be heard, felt and seen.
When a man can become vulnerable enough in himself to be present to his own emotions he also intensifies the connection to his partner and they can act from a space of compassion, empathy and love without a need to fix.
This ability establishes trust and connection in the relationship. When we take it into the bedroom, emotional presence is vitally important for both parties.
Being emotionally present in our sexing allows us to feel more into our sex and into what we are feeling and experiencing at our core and heart as well as being able to experience our partner there as well.
Emotionally present lovers bask in gourmet sex because of the emotional safety that is between them.
2. Stress Management
According to John Grey, author of Conscious Men, men burn testosterone when they are in Mr. Fix It mode. Mr. Fix it happens when a man is feeling worried, concerned or stressed about a problem. This can relate to work, health, family, relationship or other.
The thing to realize is that stress burns natural testosterone and on top of this a man will experience a disconnect emotionally and not be able to experience intimacy as well due to the stress. Stress is also linked to anxiety and increased blood pressure and sleep issues.
3. Practice Kegels
Kegels are not just for women’s health. They are all about strengthening the PC muscle which is responsible for holding organs in place as well as pelvis strength and health including genital.
Women are told to do Kegel’s after childbirth to help restore vaginal tightness, bladder control and strength.
Men who do Kegel’s on a regular basis by practicing simple exercises such as ‘stopping the flow of urine’ have better control over erections, stronger, firmer erections, can last longer and are less likely to suffer from ED.
4. Regular Exercise
We all may need to hit the gym for many reasons, but one of the most important is sexual function and energy.
Inactivity has a direct link to sexual complications due to reduced muscle mass, increased weight gain, slower metabolism, irregular hormone function and lower levels of energy.
By taking on a regular exercise program you can increase sexual vitality because exercise helps to increase testosterone production and reduce stress levels.
5. Get Alkaline
Salads and veggies may be a girl’s thing but in the land of sexual health you may want to follow your ladies lead here and incorporate more alkalizing foods into your diet.
Alkalizing foods such as avocado known to the ancient Aztec’s as ahuacatl or “testicle tree,” where the name says a lot. Avocadoes are known for their ability to increase libido for both men and women.
Other alkalizing foods to focus on for a healthy sexual diet are Maca, Pineapple, citrus fruits, celery, garlic, ginger, almonds, banana’s, pumpkin seeds and leafy green vegetables.
Alkaline balancing foods help prevent cardiovascular disease and issues, high blood pressure, inflammation and stress on internal organs, thus allowing for proper blood flow to the sexual organs to maintain healthy function and less chances of diseased organs.
6. Limit Alcohol
Want to wreck some havoc on your sexual performance and enjoyment? Then by all means start drinking heavily.
As fun as it can be to catch a buzz and enjoy having relaxed inhibitions, alcohol is one of the major factors to sexual performance issues especially ED.
7. Stop Smoking
According to Dr. David Samadi and leading research from numerous studies through the years smoking and vaping both are one of the major leading factors to erectile dysfunction and impotence.
You could say that the math is simple, smoking causes damage and constriction of blood flow, limited blood flow is directly related to loss of erections.
As well as issues with breathing deeply and being able to have the physical stamina to engage in sex for any period more than a few minutes.
It has also been revealed that severity of the problem is directly correlated to the number of cigarettes smoked.
A sexually healthy man is a man who is comfortable, compassionate, and self-focused on growth.
He is a man who understands that everything is interlinked and that by becoming the best man he can be in all areas of his life using these 8 behaviors and other’s that he will also be a superior man and lover for his partner.
 Mayo Clinic Staff. (2017). Erectile dysfunction: Symptoms and causes. http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/symptoms-causes/dxc-20314091
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