How Masturbating is Ruining Your Sex Life

by Cheryl Powers

Masturbating is Ruining Your Sex Life

I’m having an amazing time with my lover! We have had a divine evening of food, laughter, some connective moments, and we are finally at his place and ready to tear each other’s clothes off.

I can see the look of desire in his eyes and can feel the hardened bulge against my leg as we take time exploring each other’s bodies. He takes his time, and in his usual form, focuses his attention on me until I’m beyond satisfied.

But then, I desire for him to experience just as much pleasure. We find the positioning that is always best for him, and he begins penetrating me, but although he is erect, he is unable to reach ejaculation.

So I engage in some other more oral and hands-on tactics, but still, he gets close but cannot tip over the edge.

We go for about 1.5 hours focused on him before, with the help of some fantasy talk, his hand, and focused connection is able to reach full orgasm with ejaculation.

As we lay there cuddling afterward, he explains that he has recently been in the habit of masturbating more and that since then, he has had increased difficulties with ejaculation.

As a Sex & Relationship Coach, I would venture to say that about 75% or more of the men that come into my office for help in their relationship or sex life have masturbation habits that are acting as barriers to a fulfilling sex life with a partner.

Against Masturbation

I’m not against masturbation, and I know that it can be an effective and healthy sexual habit, and a great way to maintain a sexual energy when sex isn’t an option.

Masturbation has fewer but still similar benefits as sex in men, such as reduced rate of prostate cancer, increased mood, increased penile muscle tone, and improved heart health to just name a few.

Many studies have attempted, throughout the years, to get a true understanding of how often Americans are masturbating, but the statistics have ranged from 12% – 98%, and so the actual rate is still very uncertain.

Though it’s not uncommon for a man to come into my office stating that they are masturbating every day and sometimes several times per day.

The problem isn’t that they are engaging in masturbation, but moreover, it is how and the frequency in which they are engaging in masturbation.

Masturbation can be healthy, but can also negatively impact your physical body and also the emotional and physical relationship with your partner.

Here are a few of the drawbacks men experience from masturbation:

Loss of Sensitivity

Loss of Sensitivity
Many men, when masturbating, will hit the same “sweet spot” that is located right on the underside of the circumcision line, and some even masturbate with intense pressure like a “death grip” on themselves.

The often quick speed and continuously hitting of the same areas will eventually lead to a loss of sensitivity of the nerve endings in this area.

When continually rubbing the same nerve endings, they will eventually numb and form a physical callous as a means of protection.

This leads to not being able to feel lighter sensations and becoming addicted to a specific pressure, grip, and stroke, which often is impossible to replicate by a partner.

A woman’s vagina is a beautiful and magnificent thing, but women are not going to be able to replicate the death grip with their muscles and be able to stroke in the exact way to overcome a calloused penis.

This is the same issue men have with women that continually use vibrators to numb themselves. Your hand could be creating the reason you can’t get off with your girl.

Another impact is that if you constantly have to get yourself off during sex, this can greatly impact both your self-esteem and also the esteem of your partner.

Although it can be fun to watch a partner touch themselves, if this is always the case during sex, then feelings of not being “enough” and frustration can permeate the relationship.

Premature Ejaculation

Own Premature Ejaculation
Yep, you can be causing your own premature ejaculation issues! Masturbation can, many times, be used as a form of stress relief, fleeting pleasure, or way to fall asleep due to the hormone, Prolactin, which is released in the brain.

Men that are continually having short but intense masturbation sessions in which they are ejaculating are training their bodies into premature ejaculation patterns.

This means that when they are with their partners, their bodies that have been trained for short and intense sensation are unable to sustain extended amounts of pleasure.

The average woman takes 20-45 minutes before they are ready for penetration and then once penetration does occur, they still need a build up to orgasm.

This creates a problem for not only the man, but also the woman when they go to have sex because he likely won’t be able to sustain his erection without ejaculating long enough to bring his woman to a deeper orgasm that she needs for her physical and emotional health.

Premature ejaculation causes extreme stress, shame, and guilt in men, all of which can impact a relationship.

So, if you’re ejaculating 50% of the time before your woman during penetration, then you may want to start looking at your masturbation habits and how they are impacting this sexual enjoyment.

Loss of Emotional Connection

Loss of Emotional Connection
During self-stimulation, many men focus on the primary feeling of physical pleasure and are often disconnected from what’s happening in their emotions.

It’s not uncommon when masturbating to bring outside visual/auditory stimulation along with the fantasy.

Again, not inherently negative, but since the continual use of this stimulation creates neurological connections, this can lead to a need for this type of stimulation in order to become aroused.

It’s common knowledge that pornography is an unattainable standard for both men and women to be able to live up to in the bedroom, but yet we unconsciously get addicted to this form of stimulation, which can create distancing from a partner in the bedroom.

The same goes for fantasy during masturbation! It can be great and add to the sexual excitement, but when constantly used, it can create difficulties in relationships.

When we are disconnected from the moment in sex, our partners can tell, and we end up missing out on forming a connection with the person we are actually having sex with at the moment.

This disconnection diminishes pleasure for both parties and also will eventually create interference from your own pleasure during masturbation.
This is that moment when you are masturbating, and it feels more like a job and only provides a few short seconds of dulled pleasure.

Separating Self from True Orgasm

Men have the ability to have multiple orgasms during sex and separate orgasm from ejaculation, but most are unaware of this ability, partly because of their masturbation habits consistently working against them in this process.

As humans, it is impossible for us to truly take ourselves fully out of control during self-stimulation because we always will have a portion of our attention focused on the actual physical movements of masturbation.

Separating Self from True Orgasm

Also, as stated above, during masturbation, we are usually focused on the physical sensation primarily in the genitals and are not tuned into the sensations happening in other areas of their bodies cutting off from true orgasmic potential.

This creates a habit in which, during sex, a man is focused on the end goal of ejaculation during sex, cutting off the ability to experience multiple orgasms when having sex with their partner.

Also Read: Why Men need to Ejaculate? Importance of Ejaculation

What to Do To Fix Masturbation Habits

When we are not present, connected, and tuned into all the sensations in our bodies, our orgasms will consistently fall short of what can truly be experienced.

The answer doesn’t have to be as extreme as never masturbating again, but really to make a few changes in your routine.

1. If you are a frequent masturbator and experiencing any of the above difficulties, then try to cut back or even stop for a short period of time.

2. Try new things! When engaging in masturbation, slow down and truly focus on your entire penis and take the time to explore and be mindful of the different sensations all over your body.

Also, let go of the death grip and try to experience different pressures.

3. STOP going for the release! Try masturbating without allowing yourself to release at the end and become less goal-driven in your masturbation, which will bleed into you becoming less goal-oriented in your sex life.

4. Try to cut back on using porn and fantasy when masturbating. And when using these means, connect with your emotions at the moment instead of zoning out simply in the pleasure.

5. Masturbate with your partner to make it a connective moment where they can see what you enjoy. This is a great time where you can allow them to then take over the control and also practice verbalizing what feels good in the moment.